N is for Natural Consequences: Building Skills

When I thought of natural consequences, I thought of the inevitable ebb and flow of waves and tides that come and wash away carefully designed castles in the sand. It may be incredibly disappointing and yet it is literally a consequence of nature and not dependent on any emotional response.  If I eat too much and my stomach hurts or if I am not patient and burn my tongue by ingesting something before it has had time to cool, those too are natural consequences.

In building skills in our children, it is most helpful for them to learn by experiencing natural consequences even though we frequently try to shield them from the outcomes of their actions. If you touch the hot stove, you will get burned. If you climb a sandy hill, the ground is likely to give way under you and pull you back down. If you swear at your teacher, you are going to visit the principal. And so it should be.

We need to push our limits to expand our boundaries and accomplish things we have not been able to do in the past.  We need to stretch beyond where we are today to grow.  However, sometimes, life will push back and cause us to fall. That's okay. We just need to be able to get back up and try again, maybe with some adjustments to our approach. It is all a part of learning and growing. We build our resilience and determination when we continue to get up and press on.

Learning that when we fail, we fail but that does not signal the end is an important lesson. Maybe this is not the right time or place or activity for us. Maybe we need to be older or younger or wiser to succeed. Maybe we need to learn a new skill or have more knowledge in order to succeed. That is all okay because we are all a work in progress and no two people have identical skills and abilities. I may always be better at something that you are no matter how hard you try to surpass me and yet there are things you can do that I cannot. If we all had the same skills, life would not work.  We need to be able to diversify and then rely on each other for each other's strengths so that as we all work together, we become stronger as a unit. 

So in teaching children as they work to build their skills, focus on the process not the outcome. Did they take two extra spoonfuls of cereal? Did they almost make it to the bathroom on time? Did they try to say 'more'? Some people focus on whether you got it or not, success or failure, and yet even when it takes an extremely long time to learn a new skill, persevering and getting a tiny bit closer matters. It is something to celebrate! Nobody should underestimate the hard work that it took YOU to accomplish this stage simply because it wasn't hard for them. If we all acted this way, we would be encouragers and build each other up instead of tearing them down. It would truly help people.

While some seem to respond better to criticism and being pushed harder, overall the best policy is to state as a matter of fact WHAT they did right or wrong and go from there. No, you didn't succeed but you almost got the button undone. Soon you will be able to do it with all that practice! Or 'you didn't put equal pressure on each leg as you pedaled and that put you off balance and caused you to fall but that is something you can correct so keep trying!'

Help others learn from their mistakes and from their successes. When we want to encourage them, give genuine responses that naturally flow out of the action versus empty praise. Instead of 'Yay, you cleaned up!" and that's it, try, "I see you cleaned up your toys! Now we can read that book!" Tell them, 'I'm sorry but the boots have to go on your feet or you cannot go outside.' or 'I like that you came right away when I called, now we have time to make some popcorn before the movie starts!' and so forth. There are natural consequences-good and bad- but overall use them to promote learning and encourage the child(ren) in your life to build their skills in a positive manner.  The opportunities to learn are never ending so be sure to look for positive lessons in everyday life!