K is for Kicking and Screaming: Building Skills

 

     I wonder what I was thinking when I created this topic?  Probably that families and educators whose children are prone to temper tantrums need some skill building to help them self-regulate better and handle their emotions more effectively.  Kicking and screaming, unless it is a soccer player cheering loudly after just scoring a wild goal, is not generally a positive thing.

When the body needs to physically express the stress or anger that is building up, it may seem like a natural outlet to kick and scream.  It is ok if the actions are aimed at a pillow but not okay if it is aimed at a person.  Redirection of the emotions to an inanimate object is one choice. Replacing the actions with other more acceptable ones is another option. This might look like stomping feet or going for a run instead of kicking and doing a silent scream or making a growly sound instead of screaming. However, Reacting to the need to kick and scream with Rational thoughts that lead to alternative solutions is the best solution.

How can you help children do this?  Isn't that the golden question?

Practice social stories with various scenarios that the child may face and brainstorm ideas on how to handle the situation while emotions are not a part of the scene. A social story is like an eight-twelve page book that goes through the situation and explains one or more ways to handle it. Consider this scenario for a story. My little sister bit my arm. I screamed so loud! I was so mad I wanted to kick my sister but my mom said no. She told me that sometimes babies bite. We need to help them learn not to bite. We can use our words, "NO BITING!", We can use our gestures, "No, No, No (wag finger). We can call for help "HELP!" but we cannot hit. Mom said to tell an adult if I get bit and to run it under cold water and use soap to clean the spot. She said I could ask for a Band Aid and a hug to help me feel better. I love my little sister but mom said it is okay to need a little break. She said my sister loves me too and that we could play and have fun together again soon. I feel better now.

A social story doesn't cover every scenario but they do help children realize there are many problems and many different solutions to those problems. They help us all remember that our first reaction may not be the best one. We should calm down and consider all our options before we respond. Our positive options include expressing how we feel with our words (I feel you are laughing at me and it makes me angry) and stating what solutions you think may help (I think I will feel better if you stop laughing at me and say sorry).

We all have our side of the story and our own reasons for reacting to things the way we do. Sometimes we overdo it because of fear or a bad experience or poor self regulation. It is the same for the child(ren) in our lives. 

Understand that kicking and screaming is a sign the child needs your support to help them find a better solution for a problem. Stand by them even if you are not happy with their responses and help them build the skills they need to do it better next time. If you can help with the outward problem, great!  But sometimes it is beyond our control and we are left with dealing with the individual's ability to handle the situation as best as they can. Whenever possible, give them the tools to handle life well. Help them feel understood and cared for as they learn to navigate the world. As they develop these skills be there by their side and give them the support to know they are not alone and that you are walking beside them, ready to help when they need it most.  This is a true gift to the child(ren) in your life!